Against My Better Judgement

Every time I tell someone that I am in the process of emigrating to the USA I am invariably asked: "Why?" This isn't just by my fellow Kiwis, by the way. I was asked this by fiance's therapist, his physician, his medication doctor, his father and his minister - all of whom are US Citizens. If, they say, we have more friends, family, social opportunity, access to all the benefits of an international city, public transportation and job opportunities in New Zealand then why are we going to live in the US?

The answer is that fiance isn't in a place in his life where he would be able to emigrate to NZ. His mother passed away in January, he has yet to have his first permanent paying job, he's not yet financially independent and he wouldn't be able to prove to NZ immigration that he wouldn't become a burden to the state. I, also, am not in any state to take on the role of being his financial support. I am not currently employed (though if I weren't leaving NZ in less than a week I'm sure I could quickly rectify that situation), I don't have any savings and I do have a sizeable student loan debt. Clearly, I could not convince the NZ government that I would be able to support him since I'm not even supporting myself at this moment in time.

I know that this is our only option, at present, if we want to be together physically in the same location for an extended period of time. But even though I know all of this; something feels amiss.

I thought that I would be relieved and happy once I had the fiancee visa in hand and knew for certain what direction my life was going to take from this point forward. Instead I feel that I am going against every logical thought and subconscious instinct for survival that I have ever been taught or picked up in my short life-time so far. It was quietly disconcerting to be constantly asked why on earth I would even contemplate moving to live in a place that many people I know don't even want to visit - let alone live - but I managed to brush it off and people seemed to understand when I explained the situation to them. But now it just seems to be more evidence to give credence to the feeling that I am making a catastrophic mistake.

I've met at least half a dozen US born NZ residents who said that it was their dream to live in New Zealand and now that they are here it is all they ever wanted and more. I honestly cannot imagine saying that about the US at any point in time. Much of the social sentiment there that is portrayed in the slanted media is diametrically opposed to all my personal feelings and beliefs. Even our slanted media here in NZ is not as far fetched. It's undeniable that the US has more crime, poorer primary and secondary education (1-12 grade), more expensive tertiary (college) education and is much more of a political target for international crime such as terrorism than tiny, relatively unimportant NZ. As an example: the Global Peace Index of 2011 puts NZ at 2 (the lower the more peaceful) just after Iceland who took the number 1 spot and the USA is at 82 - 2 points higher than The People's Republic of China at 80. Minimum wage in Massachusetts is lower than NZ minimum wage (even after converting the currency) and worker's rights are poorer from what I have researched.

Don't get me wrong; NZ is far from perfect. But I do, in some respects, acknowledge the fact that I am down-grading. In other areas I am upgrading - I may be able to make more money there simply because US dollars are worth more. But I may find that I need a Bachelor of the Arts degree, at the very least, to make the sort of money I would need to offset the increased cost of living. Getting that degree, without government aid which I won't likely be entitled to while a mere resident, will be a lot more costly and likely more difficult. I may also need a minimum wage job to begin with to gain a local referee for my resume.

I guess the moral of the story is that I don't really know what I am doing. I'm just throwing my cards into the wind and hoping that some of them will turn up Aces. Looking back at April of 2011 I seemed to be a lot more zen about it than I feel right now. Here's a quote from a tongue in cheek FAQ that I wrote up for my friends and family to read:

"Q. Aren't you worried about [insert stereotype of US culture here]?!"

"A. Not really.  With common sense and awareness of my surroundings I think I can keep myself out of trouble.  Like attracts like, I believe, so if I'm calm and reasonable then likely those around me will be too."

I guess my problem at the moment is that I don't feel calm or reasonable. I'd better do some meditation before I get to that TSA check-point in Los Angeles.